Living

No Love by Eminem

Hopefully that link worked. It's this video called No Love and it's by Eminem featuring Lil Wayne. I found out by accident while searching for something else which caused me to search Eminem and then I found that little gem. This video reminds me of my days back in junior high and a bit of high school and it speaks to me. It pretty much says how I feel. No love. I have no love for those people and no hate. I mean I don't really feel anything because I have a better life now, I have better friends. And it's about moving on with your life. When you got that stuff going on and you just want to knife those people or you think about going into their house around dinner time when they're having dinner with their kids, then you know you wait for the dad to go to the washroom or something then you pop a few bullets into him because of the stuff he did to you in junior high or high school, you think about that and then you get people who say "Move on with your life!"

And now I understand what they mean. Why let those people drag you down? I mean the bullies. It gets me nowhere and when life is going good, stuff like that doesn't matter. That's what moving on means. And if the bullies happen to come into your life and say hello, well, hello then, but I have no love for you. I mean it's too late to say sorry now. I'm not adding you to facebook, that would just be stupid.

I don't need to go for revenge. The best revenge is living well. I want to be the guy that just moves on, that's the one I want to be. I'm tired of wanting to slash people's tires and wanting to get back at people. It takes too much energy away from me. There are people out there more deserving of my attention and people out there who need me, and need me whole. People who are counting on me to just be there. Not so much to be there for them, but to just be present. It's the whole "It just wasn't the same without you" kind of thing, and I guess I get that too. I'll be somewhere and someone won't be there and I'll think "It just wasn't the same without so-and-so" and I guess that's how people feel about me, even though sometimes I don't think I'm worth going out in public. I mean what's the big deal? Who'd actually want to see me and really care about my life when I don't really have one? But I'm surprised at how many people are and how many people are interested in who I am and what I do.

So I hope I'm alive a lot longer and I hope that I keep living life and not let anything tear me down again.

I have people counting on me.

Me and the novel

So what the heck should I blog about today? I actually wanted to play some games, but then I thought I should blog in here since I'm working on improving myself. I've been writing nonstop this past week and it's been going great. It's supposed to be a short story but it's over 10K, but that's okay because it's helping me to get in touch with myself and just helping me to be happy. It's like sitting in the driver's seat of a race car, pushing the gas pedal and letting the car ride, that's what the writing's been like and it's a good feeling, it's almost zen like. Especially today I was so in the moment that I didn't see the time or the words fly by. The next thing I know I've written 2000 words and I still had the energy to write more, but I thought I would stop there for today and I can continue on tomorrow.

On the bus last night I was sitting behind this lady and there was these drunk guys sitting on the seat by the back doors and they were playing with a balloon and just being noisy. The balloon landed on the lady's head and fell behind her in my seat, then fell to the ground and went under her chair. I wasn't going to give the balloon back to those guys. I had a knife in my backpack and I smiled. But I didn't use it. I had this feeling come over me. It was a protective feeling for the lady in front of me. They were rudely apologizing to the lady saying they were drunk, but it's best to ignore drunk people. I had this strange zen feeling going on in my mind. I didn't just whip out my knife and start waving it around. I calmly held my book in my hand and continued reading but being aware of the drunk people. It was like they weren't there, but I was also ready to whip out the knife if necessary. There's something about knowing when and when not to whip out the knife, and I knew that time wouldn't be a good idea because it would only aggravate them. Instead I would use my zen ways to calm the situation and then if that didn't work, the knife would come out. Now how can I use that in November's novel? Because that would be great and that's the kind of novel I want to write in November. Right now, I'm turning into how the guy changes, so I need to remember how the guy was, so I can put that transformation in the novel. This novel is writing me before I write it, and I like that. It's why I chose it.

Life has been really good to me so far. Maybe it's the different outlook I've had on it? Writing and yoga. With both, I haven't missed a day so far. Do I try going back into tai-chi today? I had meant to, but what if I fail? Well, if I do, I do, the important thing is to try and get back to that person I want to be again. That weird person, the one with all the answers that aren't answers but lead you to questions that give you answers that you find within yourself, that were already there, you just needed someone to guide you to it. That person! That person hasn't existed for a couple of years now. I remember when I used to give really good advice to MJ, and lately I just couldn't do it. Life just seemed so bleak and hopeless. They're dead, nothing you can do. But really, they're still alive. They're alive in all of us and I can see that now, couldn't a few months ago.

Anyway, time to play games now! Maybe.

New Year's

So far the new year has been good to me, but it's been a lot of work. For the past few days, I've gotten back into yoga. I haven't done that in years, maybe just on and off, so I'm hoping this current pattern continues. I also studied a bit of Russian and wrote a bit as well. I also made two journal entries and another one in my offline journal.

Also had an interesting discussion with a co-worker about my life, and it made me think of what I want to do with my life and that what I'm doing, was pretty good.

The question came up: Did I want to die alone?

My answer was yes, but in my head I was thinking I wouldn't be alone because God would be with me. And I'd feel at peace because I've accomplished whatever it is I'm supposed to accomplish. I would've written my stories and been the best person I could possibly be and I think God would be pleased with that.