Radvent Day 25: Believing

Have I ever had an experience that inspired belief? Yes. That would go back to God. Aside from having a couple of my prayers answered, one day I expected to die. And somehow I didn't. God saved my life and I wasn't sure why. Other people seem to know why, or is it that I don't want to admit it to myself?

Some of my beliefs:

I believe the world is round.

I believe everything is circular, that universe exists in harmony.

I believe in God.

I believe in using my powers for good and not evil.

I believe in justice. (still trying to define that)

I believe in "The American Dream". If you can think about it, you can do it.

Radvent Day 24: Trusting

Today's topic is Trusting. So what can I always trust in?

1) MJ - She's such a good person to talk to. No matter what I'm going through, she's always ready to listen to me without judging me. And not just me either, she listens to a lot of people. I mean, sure, sometimes she's busy, but I can always email her and she'll respond with encouraging words.

2) God - These are in no particular order. I trust God more than I trust MJ. Not that MJ is liver, but they say God is everywhere and it's true. I mean MJ can't come in the bathroom with me, and I've known God longer than I've known her. Or I should say God's known me longer. God's the one who brings MJ or if it's not MJ, it'll be another friend who will pop up in chat all of a sudden when I'm depressed, and that person will cheer me up without knowing it. Or it'll be something someone posts. Or maybe somebody is going through something worse and I think "Wow, least I'm not that guy" then I'll feel better. God has also been there for me each and every time, even when I think he won't be there, he is. He answers my prayers and answers the prayers that I don't even pray. He's one of those people you say "screw you" to, and then ends up saving your life or something like that and you feel bad for saying screw you, but then it's alright. So no matter what happens, I trust God will be there.

3)the NaNo people - No matter what stage you are in life, you'll find someone that's going through the same thing or has gone through the same thing you're going through. Whether it's about to blow your brains, or blowing your brains out but the gun jams, or tossing the gun out the window and moving on with your life, someone has been there. And sometimes you don't even need to talk about that stuff and just watch some of the crazy stuff they do, and you think "Wow, these guys are having fun; wow, these guys are cool, I'm happy." In terms of trusting, you can trust those guys to be real. They don't pretend to like you, they really do. And sure, maybe there are a few that might not click with you, but they still like you.

4) my family - I trust that they'll be there. Even though they are a bunch of oddballs, they'll be there.

5) Myself - I trust that I'll be there too. Times when things have looked tough and I didn't think I'd get out of it, I end up doing so. So I trust that I'll always pull myself out of things.

Radvent Day 23: Celebrating

Well, not sure what to say about this one. I was sick on Christmas Day, but I made the best of it, which is what this radvent is about I guess. I don't remember who gave me what for Christmas, but I opened a door to let guests in and ate dinner and breakfast and slept nearly the whole day. Managed to keep all the food down, then was happy when I returned home. I didn't get to call MJ, but I did text her quite a bit, so I guess that was sufficient enough. At least I made some sort of contact with her.

Radvent Day 22: Laughing

Think of someone who made you laugh when you really needed it and write a letter thanking them.

Dear Robin Williams,

Thank you for making me laugh a couple of days ago when I needed it. I could not stop laughing at your antics on that interview show and almost hurt myself laughing. You are a genius and I don't know how you do it. So thank you.

Radvent Day 21: Surprising

Give your next door neighbour a surprise today.

Done. I left a free book in the lobby for somebody to pick up.

I wasn't sure if I could do this one because I really don't talk to my neighbors, but it's done.

Radvent Day 20: Charming

I hate to use this fancy icon. Princess Lasertron who is the original person behind the Radvent prompts didn't have the blue prompt like she normally does. The person I've been getting these prompts from is now more behind than I am! So yes, I'll have to drop Princess Lasertron a line to thank her for these and to get her to do Day 21 and 22 because I'm hanging on every prompt here.

So for the charming one I just made it a point to be extra nice to customers. I already am, but I remembered that even though some of them were grumpy that I still made it a point to try and make them happy, and it worked pretty much. So yeah, now to find Radvent Day 21.

Radvent Day 19: Sharing

Share your favorite Radvent prompt with a friend and talk about your responses together.

I'm sort of cheating for this one. MJ hasn't gotten back to me because she's been really busy with Christmas preparations, but I do know what her reply would be. I emailed her my response to Radvent Prompt 5 which is the Rocking Out one I think. Her reply would be "Awesome."

Radvent Day 18: Listening

Listen to your inner child.

What does he/she want to do today?

_____________________________________________________________________

★ Play basketball ★ Meet a friend for dinner ★ Make a puppet ★ Go swimming ★ Read under the covers ★ Bake a cake ★

This sort of relates to Tron: Legacy as well. The idea of doing nothing and just listening to the voice inside you. That idea is in that movie. My inner child just wants to be still. Doesn't want to play basketball, meet a friend for dinner, make a puppet, go swimming, read under the covers, bake a cake, or even write. My inner voice just wants to stay still and listen to the wind and have it speak to me and tell me where to go.

Tron Legacy

I saw Tron Legacy last night and it's weird how the world or maybe God speaks to you or how things come together. First there's this Radvent thing I'm doing and now I see this movie which is right up my alley. It reminded me of how much I wanted to change my life in the new year and what I wanted to do.

This year is going to be a lot of soul searching.

Radvent Day 17: Entertaining

Write out some ideas for a party that you will host in the next four weeks

★ Who will you invite? ★ What will you do? ★ Where will it be? ★ What will you serve? ★ How will you decorate? ★

I finally figured what I'm going to do for this one. I'm going to invite a few online friends that MJ and I used to hang out with. She'll be invited of course, then I'll leave the invitation open for anyone who wants to drop into the party. It'll be January 14th since that'll be 4 weeks from December 17th.

In a nutshell, the party will just be people typing. The party will start with words of wisdom (just got the idea from Tron: Legacy) and then will have dancing, eating, talking and just having a good time. I may have to restrict minors though. Caviar will be served, along with wine and some hors d'oeuvres. There will also be pop, juice, and iced tea, because I think MJ likes drinking iced tea. So does the demon from hell, but she is definitely not invited and if she happens to be there, I'll pour pig's blood on her.

I haven't really thought of decorations, but I guess we would have streamers across the room and tables. There would be a dance ball hanging from the ceiling over the checkered dance floor. We'd have a DJ behind a booth playing music on his turntable. I think I'll have one of my stuffed animals DJ.

So yeah, it should be a good party.

Radvent Day 16: Giving

What is the most surprising gift you’ve ever gotten?

The most surprising gift I've ever gotten was this stuffed toy heart person from MJ this one Valentine's Day. Actually our first Valentine's Day I think. She got me a mug and some candies, which would've been enough, as well as a card, and then there's this stuffed toy in the envelope. I started playing with it as I was talking to her online. I love that thing. Surprising because I never expected it. I call him Stuffed Heart. The funny thing was I used him in my skit at NaNo. He's so cute, I should bring him to some events next year, that'll be funny.

What have you been holding back that you could give more of?

Maybe my generosity and forgiveness? Stuff with my family isn't exactly ironed out, so there are still a few creases.

Radvent Day 15: Receiving

List some things you received today. Did you consciously accept these gifts?

I didn't really receive anything today. Just inspiration from my Christine to continue this Radvent thing, that's about it. Yes, I consciously accepted this gift because it was close to what I wanted to do anyway. But yeah, other than that, nothing. Sounds pretty sad, but I'm sure I'll get more on Christmas.

Radvent Day 14: Reading

Did you like to read as a child? Do you read more or less now?

This answer will sound strange. Yes, I liked to read as a child, but I didn't do much of that because I didn't really have encouragement from my family. Instead I watched TV. I always wanted to read, but you follow the example of your parents, and they didn't really read, except for my mother, so I didn't really read. Also I didn't really find anything interesting to read. My mother asked me once what kind of books I like to read, so I said "Something that makes you think." Then I found Edgar Allan Poe in the sixth grade and I thought this guy was the big time. Sure some of the words were really big, like Amontillado, but this guy really hooked me. Grades 7,8, and 9 I didn't really read. I only read maybe 20 pages of The Outsiders in the eighth grade.

Shakespeare was cool in high school, but I couldn't get the language down. Then what was the point of Julius Caesar after he dies in Act III. After that, the rest was dull. Grade 12 was when I started reading. Fearful that I might fail English 30, I paid attention in class and read everything I was supposed to and this time all the stuff I read was good. People died, nobody was happy and this was stuff that made you think. We did Hamlet, and that was perfect because it was modeled after my homelife, minus the incestual innuendo. Same with 1984. I felt like Winston Smith. In university, I read more.

Now I read constantly to the surprise of my family because I read books they wouldn't touch. My sister asked me once if I had read Dante's Inferno because I read a lot of the classics. So yes, now I love to read.

Radvent Day 13: Beginning

Have you ever just quit something… without regret?

Not really. There's always a reason why I quit something. I do regret quitting school the second time. So many factors contributed to it. No support. You need support if you're going into teaching, either from friends or family or both. I had no friends and my family was breaking up so I had no support there either. Also the demon from hell was in my life again. So yeah, that's the only thing I regret quitting, but I'll never go back.

Usually if I quit something, there's another choice, so my life isn't over. This teaching thing didn't work out, so I get to pursue my dream of being a writer.

Radvent Day 12: Procrastinating

What are you putting off? What bad things would happen if you stopped making excuses and tackled something today?
(Would you do it wrong? Would you fail to meet expectations? Would you have to do it even better next time?)

Learning Russian. It just looks really hard. I do plan on tackling it in the new year, but I've been putting it off this month especially when I had freed up some time so I could start tackling it this month.

I'd probably do it wrong, and yes, I would fail to meet expectations because I really want it to be perfect right away which won't happen. I just have to be patient and work at it.

Radvent Day 11: Dreaming

What is your personal dream? What would happen if your dream came true?

My personal dream is to be a famous author like Stephen King and live with MJ. If my dream came true, I would have lots of money to support the both of us, and I'd be able to write during the day and sell books.

Radvent Day 10: Loving

You are loved immensely. You are wrapped up in a big fluffy blanket of love everywhere you go because you deserve it! Make up your own self-affirmations today.

I'm passionate about any task I undertake.

I'm crazy.

I can be almost anyone.

I can write a novel.

I inspire people.

I'm creative and hardworking.

I'm resourceful.

That's about all I can think of for now. I'm sure there are more.

Radvent Day 9: Inspiring

Ask someone you love to show you what inspires them. It’s a great exercise in seeing the world through someone else’s perspective.

Ask someone you love what you have done to inspire them.

Be proud of yourself and marvel at how your own little sphere of influence is ever-expanding, completely out of your control.

I asked MJ what inspires her. She says her grandma and the way she lived her life. Her grandma told her "You never grow old as long as you stay young at heart and that no matter what live throws at you, you move on."

Then I asked her what I've done that inspires her:

"What have you done to inspire me......gosh i could on n on....

you inspired me to look at my life differently....
you inspired me to see that even in the toughest times i'm a stronger person
you inspired me to believe god is walking with me always
youve inspired me to know that love still exists even with your eyes closed
you inspired me that anything is possible i just have to set my mind to it
youve inspired me by knowing that when you find a person you can trust that they will always be there no matter what...."

Radvent Day 8: Creating

Choose an object to symbolize your creativity and put it in a place you can see it every day.

Have you ever astonished yourself by what you created? What did you learn from it?

Rubik's cube. It has many colors just as creativity has many facets in it's creation.

Yes, I have astonished myself by what I created. Aside from the story I wrote in the 90's which was astonishing because of some of it's grossness, it was supposed to be kind of like Naked Lunch by William Burroughs, so that wasn't really astonishing.

My NaNo novel of 2007 (I think that was the year) was 200K, but what was astonishing was the last 50K and how sickening it really was. After I wrote it, I was like "Man, you're one sick mother ". I learned that I had lots of demons inside me. Figuratively speaking, of course.

On the positive side, the novel I wrote the year before that one, was perfect. Aside from the typos or maybe a few plot holes or maybe even paragraphing or some sentence structure problems, I loved it. It did exactly what I wanted it to do. Before then MJ and I broke up and that's what the novel was about. It was loosely based on my life. What I learned from it, was that I could create something that solid. The only problem is that book is too personal to actually have someone beta read. Nearly everything that happens in that book has happened to me. MJ loved it too which I'm happy about because it's the best one I've done I think.

Radvent Day 7: Playing

What were your favorite games as a child? What did you like to do with your classmates or the neighborhood kids? How did that affect the person you grew to become?

Block tag. We had these blocks behind the school and if you stood on those then you were safe from getting tagged. Kind of like musical chairs. That game was pretty fun.

I enjoyed playing cops and robbers. I actually brought that game to my old elementary school when I went to visit one day. I moved to another elementary school because we moved. So anyway, cops and robbers were fun, and I guess that affected the person I grew to become because I like using my imagination, I like creating stories. And the funny thing is my family wasn't really supportive of my imaginary games. Being Superman, or being a cop, those were just kid games, and a phase I had to go through. Writing about a cop or a superhero is not really serious.

I really loved skipping! Skipping rope I mean. Playing with girls is a lot of fun (and yes, unusual for an elementary student!). Today, I like hanging out with girls, it's fun, they're fun, they know how to have fun. Guys are boring, all they do is watch sports all day, drink beer, and try to make the moves on women who would rather be with sliced bread. Not all guys are boring, but there are seriously boring guys. Guys that are real idiots, guys who have never picked up a book

I also enjoy doing "girl" things, like cooking or baking. I do those things now. Playing dolls I didn't like so much until I created my own doll! It was this invisible guy! Now that was fun! Hmm, I think I have an idea for Day 6.

I didn't really enjoy playing cars with the guys. They're just interested in rough and tumble, basically just crashing into your car. I mean that's kind of boring. I like my car to be running from the cops and then having to cut into someone's law for escape. It's the imagination thing again.

All this has caused me to be a loner because I really don't get along with a lot of guys. Except NaNo. I think there are like 5 guys I hang out with. All those guys danced at the TGIO last year and the year before that.

Radvent Day 6: Adventuring

Abandon your to-do list and go somewhere else. Somewhere new. Somewhere you have wanted to explore. Bring a camera and take a picture to celebrate themoment when you abandoned anxiety and insecurity, embraced imagination and opportunity, and let life unfold.

Well, I'm going to sort of cheat for this one. I can't exactly go to another city right now and I would like to go back to North Bay, but it's the middle of Christmas rush. I can't really think of any place that I want to explore right now. I've been to coffee shops, I've been to Tim Horton's, so going there wouldn't be new.

I did have an adventure yesterday though. I cut my own hair. I think it looks alright. Might not be perfect, but I'm happy that I did it myself. It's part of my plan to make changes for the new year. And no, I didn't do anything drastic with it. But it was an adventure for me, and I'd love to do it again.

Radvent Day 5: Rocking Out

Write down the soundtrack of your year so far. Play it for someone who loves you.

I spent so many hours trying to figure out this soundtrack. Also made me think what the heck did I do this year?

January I was preparing to visit MJ again.

Hall+Oates - Out of Touch

February I created a book of poems about that visit and self-published it in March.

Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit

End of March until near the end of June = work trouble

Corey Hart - Boy in the Box

Corey Hart - Sunglasses at Night

Corey Hart - Never Surrender

Started carrying knife around

Bryan Adams - Cuts like a Knife

Ditched the knife

Pink Floyd - Another Brick in the Wall

Near the end of June, I had a friend's birthday party to go to

Neil Diamond - Sweet Caroline

Billy Joel - Honesty

July, I went camping with some friends

Cartman - Poker Face

Repo! The Genetic Opera - 8. "Zydrate Anatomy"

August, an ex-co-worker was excited to hear about my self-published book and said she'd come over to buy it! I was excited, this would put me on the map again and take me away from the hellish months of work trouble I've had.

U2 - Desire

September I tried to shun the mall as much as possible, stayed home, enjoyed my new cable and internet. Just sat away from the world.

Phil Collins - Throwing It All Away

October, Nanowrimo was on it's way.

Queen - We will Rock you

November, Nanowrimo. I found it hard to write, needed inspiration and got inspiration from a strange source, Mr. Dee Schneider:

Twister Sister - I Wanna Rock

Finished my novel in the middle of the month, then got sick and depressed, and slowly I was coming out of it by strugging to the last write on for one more round of last word wars, bringing me 7000 more words.

Queen - Another One Bites the Dust

The last three days, I was hoping everyone would win NaNo and tried to encourage as many as I could:

Europe - The Final Countdown

Then, of course, the end of NaNo, midnight December 1st:

Queen - We are the Champions

Then the TGIO Party, saying goodbye to everyone, for what seemed like the last time I'd ever see them again.

Billy Joel - Piano Man

Wednesday December 8, 2010 was Pretend to be a Time Traveler Day where I pretended I was still with the demon from hell. This was our song.

Matchbox 20 - If You're Gone

And today, sitting here, it's 1:21am, wishing MJ were here because she'd know what to say.

Nirvana - Where did you sleep last night?

Radvent Day 4: Forgiveness

It’s hard to come out of a place of resentment, and it takes practice (just like everything). Practice forgiving about small, everyday things. You can always non-forgive later. Who and what are you ready to let go of resentment toward?

Do I really have to do this part? I really hate doing this part.

Alright then, I forgive, KM, the demon from hell for making my life hell from 1998 until 2000. I won't use her "illness" as an excuse. We were both in a place and that place caused us to crash but it was something I needed to do in order to be reborn. Or I guess reinvented would be a better word. But after 12 years, things change, you get better, you write, you meet someone like MJ who shows you girls aren't trying to stab your heart out with a stiletto, that there are girls out there, people who are very understanding and compassionate. And sure I could focus on the demon from hell, or just on MJ, who's like my boxing manager. Seems like in life you go through levels like you do in video games. I'm way past the earlier levels, so the demon from hell is just a passing thought and doesn't consume me as it once did. Though that doesn't stop me from wanting to kill other people, which transitions to...

I forgive the rent-a-cops for screwing me over. They were doing their job and I guess I did mine. Sure I don't trust them anymore, but they go there way, I go mine. There's no need to go slash their tires, or set something on fire. This isn't some Christian forgiveness either because I'm not going to hide behind that and say "I'm a Christian and I forgive you because that's what I do." Well, one of them is too, and I don't agree with his actions. It's just forgiveness because I'd like to attend the Thank goodness it's over party next year. I mean I don't want to have to say "Sorry, can't make it, in jail at the moment!" Plus as MJ would say I'm better than that, and it moves me up a level. Mario gets to rescue the princess eventually. Who is the princess? Well, I suppose it's me, except the male version. If that makes any sense.

I forgive my parents for not understanding my writing ability or not understanding my lifestyle choice. Which actually sounds like a pride week thing, when it's just that I want to write stories. I want to write. How hard is it for them to understand that? Sure, I don't make a lot doing that, but I figure it's better doing that, than dying.

I also forgive my parents for causing me to have a bad childhood. Yes, they were a part of it! But it's that old saying "Forgive them lord, they know not what they do." And that's pretty much it. They were young, they didn't know how to parent, they've learned from their mistakes, and I've stopped blaming them. Eventually, there comes a time when you have to stop blaming your parents for your shortcomings and just go out in the world and succeed, and that's what I've been doing. I still cannot believe how much I've done and learned in the past ten years.

I also forgive people that just don't understand I write. They have kids, they have families, I don't. I have my stories and my characters and my words. Sometimes when you have nothing, that could mean the difference between life and death. Of course, there is God, but he's supposed to be everywhere, so I'm sure he's in the stories somewhere. Maybe he's speaking through me, through my stories? Sometimes I feel that instead of me writing the stories, my stories are writing me.

I also forgive people that mess with my friends, and goodness, there is a lot of them! They're young, they don't know what they're doing. Eventually they learn that it's wrong. And this is before I need to step in.

I guess I should forgive the chocolate milk carton thrower. Yeah, I know you didn't mean it. Of course, I hope you're not stupid enough to visit me again. ...Not good to mess with a writer.

Lastly, and I don't really need to forgive this person in this post because it's been done years ago, but I forgive MJ for breaking up with me. I forgave her 10 minutes after she broke up with me, that's how easy she is to get along with. Basically, she had to, nothing to do with me, and four years later, we're great friends and we still send Valentine's Day cards to each other.

Forgiveness isn't so much about trying to find some kind of redemption or something, it's about moving on, because if you're stuck in that one place, you don't move up any levels.

Radvent Day 3: Writing

Write a letter of love to yourself to read in one year.

Dear Me,

Right now, I'm writing this wondering if you'll make it to the end of next year. Of course you will. When you don't think you will, you always do, surprising everyone and me as well, so who knows what the next year is going to bring about. I'm hoping you have that novel written that you said you were going to right and hope you did a decent amount of research for it because I know you really want to get this one written even though it does have a weird title in it, but it's a really good idea, I like it. Did you seriously go for 200K again? I mean, haven't you learned your lesson from the last two times??

Are you still in that job of yours? Are you still alive? Is your microwave fixed already? I have so many questions. How is MJ doing? That's someone you should really keep in your life because she's really in your corner for everything.

I hope you set out to accomplish what you wanted to accomplish this year. I know you want to accomplish a lot and I think it might be too much, but you always seem to surprise me, so best of luck,

Signed Me.

Radvent Day 2

Focus on one drawer, table, or surface today and spend 15 minutes making it pretty! (And take a pretty picture afterward to motivate yourself!)

Didn't take any pictures, but it's amazing what you can do in 15 minutes. This is kind of right up the alley of me trying to clean my place up. I'm trying to get a more zen like feeling to this place. These past few months haven't been too bad, but it'll get better. There's this whole thing about if you have a clear place, then you have a clear mind. If you're place is uncluttered, then so will your mind be. And that's what I'm trying to do. I'd go on about what I'm trying to do this year but I think I'll end up mentioning that in Day 3.

Radvent Day 1

What were you doing five years ago today? As the holiday season began? Where were you? Who were you with? What did you want? What did you have?


Five years ago would be 2005. That's kind of funny because I was with MJ five years ago. I mean she was in North Bay and I was here, but we were dating. I pretty much talked to her a lot, talked about me coming in January 2006. Talked about the holidays. What I wanted? Well, I wanted to go visit MJ and eventually live there. What I had? I believe I didn't have anything, at least not in the city. Sure I had my family, but I still had the scars from the dark years and I never really had any closure with my family about our issues. I was pretty much ready to just up and leave. I already moved out on my own in 2000 and now that MJ was in my life, I was ready to move with her. I had a novel written because of NaNoWriMo and I figured I'd continue to write. I'd be like Kerouac, except I'd be with MJ.

Oddly enough, five years later, well, now, I'm not with MJ, even though we're still friends, but I have so much more. Five years ago, I told her I didn't have anything here, no friends, nothing, and now, she kind of rubs it in. Like she's saying "I told you so," when she hears all about my NaNo buddies.

Now, I'm in a new place (moved in December 2006) which my mother bought for me. So in a way, I'm settled. Things with my family are better.

1st post

Radvent thingy, good luck.