Been so long

It's been so long since I've been here, maybe a year. My last post was in June, but anyway, the last year didn't go too well since it is 2012 now. I wanted it to go well and I did have plans but I guess they went awry or something. Now though, it's a new year and I think I'm ready again and this year I do have plans. Plans to better myself, at least that's my resolution. Haven't told too many people my resolution.

I actually attended church today after a long time of not going and it felt good to be in the company of people. Just people like me wanting to listen to the service and it was pretty neat because I stayed up late last night and happened to up early in the morning and then I just said hey I could go head off to church.

After it was done, I left. It was just good to be there especially at the start of the new year. The service was something about what our name was and who we really were, which makes me ask that question about myself. I don't really know who I am. At least I'm here though and ready to give the year another shot

I'm back, I think

It's been so long since I've written in here. 6 months I think and for all those months I've been depressed because I had to do something I didn't want to do, but now that that is done I can move on with my life again, but I really don't know what I want to do. I feel like these past 6 months was a test for me or something, or maybe something to help my NaNo novel for this November. I remember saying how I wanted to write something that was close to my life with some guy who's finding himself, but then I didn't have the part where he hit rock bottom or close to it, so maybe these past 6 months was my research. I could barely go outside and I didn't realize how much energy I didn't have until now because now I'm really surprised with the amount of energy I have.

I've also been going to church (again?) but it's been online which is interesting. You kind of just sit there while a pastor preaches, kind of like church I guess, and it's really convenient because it's before I go to work on Sunday and I'm always working Sunday, though these past few months I've had the occasional Sunday off, but I could never find a church I feel comfortable in. The last one I found was in Morinville with this friend of mine, but it just felt like I was leashed to her. And I needed her dad to drive me there. I also couldn't make it every Sunday, so I faded away from that. This church is good because I'm able to make it every Sunday and there's something about actually going every Sunday and even if it's just sitting down there it makes me feel like I'm not running away from God or anything like that. Not sure why there wasn't a sermon on Sunday when I really needed it but maybe it was a message from God saying you don't need me today, you're doing alright.

There's just something about attending a real live church offline that I'm not comfortable with. You can't just sit in the back and listen to the sermon, you have to meet people and then go do bible study because you might die. Some of the people you meet are cool, and some are just real whackjobs. Or I shouldn't say that since they're "Christian" but they're just really judgmental.

Well, I'm off to do some meditation, we'll see how that goes. There's that saying that God works in mysterious ways, and I believe he's doing that right now, but I'll take it because I could use it. Right now, he's one of the few people in my corner.

Living

No Love by Eminem

Hopefully that link worked. It's this video called No Love and it's by Eminem featuring Lil Wayne. I found out by accident while searching for something else which caused me to search Eminem and then I found that little gem. This video reminds me of my days back in junior high and a bit of high school and it speaks to me. It pretty much says how I feel. No love. I have no love for those people and no hate. I mean I don't really feel anything because I have a better life now, I have better friends. And it's about moving on with your life. When you got that stuff going on and you just want to knife those people or you think about going into their house around dinner time when they're having dinner with their kids, then you know you wait for the dad to go to the washroom or something then you pop a few bullets into him because of the stuff he did to you in junior high or high school, you think about that and then you get people who say "Move on with your life!"

And now I understand what they mean. Why let those people drag you down? I mean the bullies. It gets me nowhere and when life is going good, stuff like that doesn't matter. That's what moving on means. And if the bullies happen to come into your life and say hello, well, hello then, but I have no love for you. I mean it's too late to say sorry now. I'm not adding you to facebook, that would just be stupid.

I don't need to go for revenge. The best revenge is living well. I want to be the guy that just moves on, that's the one I want to be. I'm tired of wanting to slash people's tires and wanting to get back at people. It takes too much energy away from me. There are people out there more deserving of my attention and people out there who need me, and need me whole. People who are counting on me to just be there. Not so much to be there for them, but to just be present. It's the whole "It just wasn't the same without you" kind of thing, and I guess I get that too. I'll be somewhere and someone won't be there and I'll think "It just wasn't the same without so-and-so" and I guess that's how people feel about me, even though sometimes I don't think I'm worth going out in public. I mean what's the big deal? Who'd actually want to see me and really care about my life when I don't really have one? But I'm surprised at how many people are and how many people are interested in who I am and what I do.

So I hope I'm alive a lot longer and I hope that I keep living life and not let anything tear me down again.

I have people counting on me.

Me and the novel

So what the heck should I blog about today? I actually wanted to play some games, but then I thought I should blog in here since I'm working on improving myself. I've been writing nonstop this past week and it's been going great. It's supposed to be a short story but it's over 10K, but that's okay because it's helping me to get in touch with myself and just helping me to be happy. It's like sitting in the driver's seat of a race car, pushing the gas pedal and letting the car ride, that's what the writing's been like and it's a good feeling, it's almost zen like. Especially today I was so in the moment that I didn't see the time or the words fly by. The next thing I know I've written 2000 words and I still had the energy to write more, but I thought I would stop there for today and I can continue on tomorrow.

On the bus last night I was sitting behind this lady and there was these drunk guys sitting on the seat by the back doors and they were playing with a balloon and just being noisy. The balloon landed on the lady's head and fell behind her in my seat, then fell to the ground and went under her chair. I wasn't going to give the balloon back to those guys. I had a knife in my backpack and I smiled. But I didn't use it. I had this feeling come over me. It was a protective feeling for the lady in front of me. They were rudely apologizing to the lady saying they were drunk, but it's best to ignore drunk people. I had this strange zen feeling going on in my mind. I didn't just whip out my knife and start waving it around. I calmly held my book in my hand and continued reading but being aware of the drunk people. It was like they weren't there, but I was also ready to whip out the knife if necessary. There's something about knowing when and when not to whip out the knife, and I knew that time wouldn't be a good idea because it would only aggravate them. Instead I would use my zen ways to calm the situation and then if that didn't work, the knife would come out. Now how can I use that in November's novel? Because that would be great and that's the kind of novel I want to write in November. Right now, I'm turning into how the guy changes, so I need to remember how the guy was, so I can put that transformation in the novel. This novel is writing me before I write it, and I like that. It's why I chose it.

Life has been really good to me so far. Maybe it's the different outlook I've had on it? Writing and yoga. With both, I haven't missed a day so far. Do I try going back into tai-chi today? I had meant to, but what if I fail? Well, if I do, I do, the important thing is to try and get back to that person I want to be again. That weird person, the one with all the answers that aren't answers but lead you to questions that give you answers that you find within yourself, that were already there, you just needed someone to guide you to it. That person! That person hasn't existed for a couple of years now. I remember when I used to give really good advice to MJ, and lately I just couldn't do it. Life just seemed so bleak and hopeless. They're dead, nothing you can do. But really, they're still alive. They're alive in all of us and I can see that now, couldn't a few months ago.

Anyway, time to play games now! Maybe.

New Year's

So far the new year has been good to me, but it's been a lot of work. For the past few days, I've gotten back into yoga. I haven't done that in years, maybe just on and off, so I'm hoping this current pattern continues. I also studied a bit of Russian and wrote a bit as well. I also made two journal entries and another one in my offline journal.

Also had an interesting discussion with a co-worker about my life, and it made me think of what I want to do with my life and that what I'm doing, was pretty good.

The question came up: Did I want to die alone?

My answer was yes, but in my head I was thinking I wouldn't be alone because God would be with me. And I'd feel at peace because I've accomplished whatever it is I'm supposed to accomplish. I would've written my stories and been the best person I could possibly be and I think God would be pleased with that.

Radvent Day 25: Believing

Have I ever had an experience that inspired belief? Yes. That would go back to God. Aside from having a couple of my prayers answered, one day I expected to die. And somehow I didn't. God saved my life and I wasn't sure why. Other people seem to know why, or is it that I don't want to admit it to myself?

Some of my beliefs:

I believe the world is round.

I believe everything is circular, that universe exists in harmony.

I believe in God.

I believe in using my powers for good and not evil.

I believe in justice. (still trying to define that)

I believe in "The American Dream". If you can think about it, you can do it.

Radvent Day 24: Trusting

Today's topic is Trusting. So what can I always trust in?

1) MJ - She's such a good person to talk to. No matter what I'm going through, she's always ready to listen to me without judging me. And not just me either, she listens to a lot of people. I mean, sure, sometimes she's busy, but I can always email her and she'll respond with encouraging words.

2) God - These are in no particular order. I trust God more than I trust MJ. Not that MJ is liver, but they say God is everywhere and it's true. I mean MJ can't come in the bathroom with me, and I've known God longer than I've known her. Or I should say God's known me longer. God's the one who brings MJ or if it's not MJ, it'll be another friend who will pop up in chat all of a sudden when I'm depressed, and that person will cheer me up without knowing it. Or it'll be something someone posts. Or maybe somebody is going through something worse and I think "Wow, least I'm not that guy" then I'll feel better. God has also been there for me each and every time, even when I think he won't be there, he is. He answers my prayers and answers the prayers that I don't even pray. He's one of those people you say "screw you" to, and then ends up saving your life or something like that and you feel bad for saying screw you, but then it's alright. So no matter what happens, I trust God will be there.

3)the NaNo people - No matter what stage you are in life, you'll find someone that's going through the same thing or has gone through the same thing you're going through. Whether it's about to blow your brains, or blowing your brains out but the gun jams, or tossing the gun out the window and moving on with your life, someone has been there. And sometimes you don't even need to talk about that stuff and just watch some of the crazy stuff they do, and you think "Wow, these guys are having fun; wow, these guys are cool, I'm happy." In terms of trusting, you can trust those guys to be real. They don't pretend to like you, they really do. And sure, maybe there are a few that might not click with you, but they still like you.

4) my family - I trust that they'll be there. Even though they are a bunch of oddballs, they'll be there.

5) Myself - I trust that I'll be there too. Times when things have looked tough and I didn't think I'd get out of it, I end up doing so. So I trust that I'll always pull myself out of things.